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.... [22 Jul 2012|12:29am]

That weird feeling you get when you have a lot to get off your chest, and don't know how or if you even should write it out. And can't exactly post to FB without the risk of it causing awkward drama

Are you feeling this?

Awesome night [21 Apr 2012|06:25am]

Sarcasm btw. I'd normally post shit like this on Facebook but I'd rather not make a spectacle out of it. What should have been a fun trip turned out to be a friends drunken break down before she ultimately got naked and tried to "seduce" me before I went back to the bar, which ended in a fucking bar fight. Pretty annoyed

Are you feeling this?

[26 Mar 2012|11:27am]

Hello LJ. Long time no see. You may thank korcas for reminding me that you have not died. And that took three times because this app wanted to post that everywhere. :P

5 Felt it| Are you feeling this?

Personal venting today folks [19 Sep 2009|09:22pm]

So it's been a rather interesting couple weeks. I had control of a crew at work for a month because we were swamped. Fun few weeks to say the least. Even got to punish my laborer briefly by putting him with a different foreman who no one wants to work for. I was told that this was a test and if I do well it will prolly be permanent. Should have know that was a bunch of bullshit. Last week they promoted another guy and stuck me with him and had the odasity to tell me that I needed to teach him how to read the prints and manage the jobs. Perhaps I'm just crazy but if they're going to tell me to teach a guy how to do the job wouldn't that sort of imply that I'm better qualified for that position? I know I haven't been busting my ass for 3 years to better my skills and learn NEW skills and tricks for nothing. So I told them to shove it. I told them that if I'm only going to stay a laborer then it isn't going to be my responsibility to teach someone else for a position that I've worked for and I'm the only one who wants. Once the economy goes up I'm out of there. I'm not looking to be the peon anymore.

Then Candice called Friday, the same week that all happened. Me and her haven't really haven't talked in a month because of some stupid fight. Well she called and what she had to say just kind of made want to go right back to ignoring her again. See, apparently she decided she wanted to marry this junkie friend of hers. Even was going to let the guy adopt her daughter and everything. Evidently, though, he died (*shock*). That convo lasted only long enough to get that info because she heard a friend of mine in the background who she doesn't like because she's always assumed something was going on with us (which it hasn't yet). She then called me Sunday at midnight because needed a friend. That convo only lasted about 10 minutes and for most of it I wasn't paying attention to her because I was too busy thinking of that other friend of mine, and didn't even realize it until I hung up. It was then I realized that I couldn't be candice's friend anymore and that I just might like the other person more than I realized. So now I'm frustrated and confused because I don't know how to tell Candice I'm walking away without causing any lingering drama when I hang out with her brother and I dunno what to do about my friend given that she's 11 years older than me. I asked to go with me to Vegas though for new years and she said yeah so who knows.

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3 Felt it| Are you feeling this?

Personal venting today folks [19 Sep 2009|09:22pm]

So it's been a rather interesting couple weeks. I had control of a crew at work for a month because we were swamped. Fun few weeks to say the least. Even got to punish my laborer briefly by putting him with a different foreman who no one wants to work for. I was told that this was a test and if I do well it will prolly be permanent. Should have know that was a bunch of bullshit. Last week they promoted another guy and stuck me with him and had the odasity to tell me that I needed to teach him how to read the prints and manage the jobs. Perhaps I'm just crazy but if they're going to tell me to teach a guy how to do the job wouldn't that sort of imply that I'm better qualified for that position? I know I haven't been busting my ass for 3 years to better my skills and learn NEW skills and tricks for nothing. So I told them to shove it. I told them that if I'm only going to stay a laborer then it isn't going to be my responsibility to teach someone else for a position that I've worked for and I'm the only one who wants. Once the economy goes up I'm out of there. I'm not looking to be the peon anymore.

Then Candice called Friday, the same week that all happened. Me and her haven't really haven't talked in a month because of some stupid fight. Well she called and what she had to say just kind of made want to go right back to ignoring her again. See, apparently she decided she wanted to marry this junkie friend of hers. Even was going to let the guy adopt her daughter and everything. Evidently, though, he died (*shock*). That convo lasted only long enough to get that info because she heard a friend of mine in the background who she doesn't like because she's always assumed something was going on with us (which it hasn't yet). She then called me Sunday at midnight because needed a friend. That convo only lasted about 10 minutes and for most of it I wasn't paying attention to her because I was too busy thinking of that other friend of mine, and didn't even realize it until I hung up. It was then I realized that I couldn't be candice's friend anymore and that I just might like the other person more than I realized. So now I'm frustrated and confused because I don't know how to tell Candice I'm walking away without causing any lingering drama when I hang out with her brother and I dunno what to do about my friend given that she's 11 years older than me. I asked to go with me to Vegas though for new years and she said yeah so who knows.

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Are you feeling this?

It's raining buuuuuuulllshiiiiiiiiit [08 Sep 2009|09:12pm]
So apparently there's a person out there far more insane when it comes to health insurance than Obama socialized ideas. In Montana, there's a senator by the name of Max Baucus who is drafting a bill that would require every citizen to have health insurance, and if they don't, they get a fine of $3800. Last time I checked, I was a human being, not a car, and if I should choose to not have health insurance, I shouldn't be required to, and I definetly shouldn't be fined a fee. Especially not one that huge. $3800 is just under a 5th of what I make a year. That's a huge chunk, and I know there are alot of people out there who make less than me. What does a person do when the only job they can get for the moment is a McDonalds job, or a Wal-Mart job and they're still in that probationary period? What if they're unemployed? What if they work at a place that doesn't offer Medical at all? Suddenly they're getting a rediculous fine? I mean, I can understand Obama's crazy insurance plan. At least the thought behind it. The intentions are good, or at least I hope they are (I'll give him the benefit of the doubt I guess). It's for the people who can't afford medical insurance. But what this guy wants is just crazy. On top of that, he pulled a John Kerry or an Arnold Schwarzenegger. When he campaigned for the seat, he specifically campaigned AGAINST these kinds of things, and now, here he is proposing this bill.

In other news, Obama gave his 18 minute long speech at schools today, and like predicted, some parents kept their kids out of school. Also, as predicted, extreme leftists are out there calling these people racists, or stupid ignorant republicans who don't want their kids to think freely and keep them ignorant forever. Well, I got news for anyone who shares these thoughts. The only people being ignorant, are people WITH these opinions. They never bothered to think about WHY it might be that parents are keeping their kids out of school. See, at the end of this little speech that everyone's favorite false idol, the kids were to go back to their classrooms and write a letter about how they could help Obama. Not how they could get good grades or be better people, but how they could help the president. If I were a parent, I'd be outraged. I would have taken my kid out of school as well, maybe even formed a little protest of some sort. Hell. I'm NOT a parent and I'm still pretty hot and bothered by this. This is the kind of shit that countries like Cuba and Venezuela use, because kids are pretty impressionable, and what better way to form your future than to form the minds of the people who can vote for your team in the future. I mean, if Mr. Second Coming of Christ fooled the majority of the adult population, he could be damn dangerous to the 5 year olds he was giving his speech to.

I heard today that Keith Olbermann is requesting anyone and everyone's help to get dirt on Glenn Beck, Stu Burguiere (Beck's producer), Roger Ailes (owner of Fox News), all because of what Beck said July 28th when he called Obama a racist, which technically he's right (and it's definetly right when it comes to his wife). Obama has pushed views and opinions and said he wants to do things that will help out colored people (read: everyone who is not white). That's affirmative action, and that in itself is as racist as what people accuse white people of being (which these days is almost complete bullshit). What I really find funny about this is that Keith Olbermann frequently sits on his show with Jeannene Garafalo talking about how everyone who opposes Obama is a racist who probably sits around KKK meetings talking about how they can hang the president from a tree after beating him with bats and crowbars. These accusations also make them as racist as the people they are attacking, for a number of reasons also.

1: You don't know me. You don't know why it is that I don't like Obama, and until you get to know me and find out, then don't be a jackass. Until you hear me running around calling him a nigger or a spik, which you never will because I hate those words as much as a girl hates hearing the word "cunt," then you can not call me a racist. I bash alot of other ethnicities, but not because of their race. It's because of how they carry themselves, trying to fight racism with more racism and then wanting a free ride as they sit on welfare for years instead of trying to give everyone the same equal chance to succeed.

2: When these people who you're calling racist ARE in fact putting their points of view out there, and their arguements are pretty well founded and pretty strong, then you do not have the right to call them a racist (unless somewhere in these arguements they do use one of those deragory words). If they make these points of view, and the only thing you can come up with as a response is to call them a racist or an stupid right wing extremist, then that doesn't make them the racist. That makes you the fool who can't bother to educate himself enough to argue against his opinion. That makes you ignorant.

And for the record, ALL news programs edit their content. So for those of you out there who make the claim that Fox News edits stuff to suit them, then maybe you should check anything on CNN or MSNBC. Olberman and Contessa Brewer are well known for hiding the important facts to manipulate the message. But hey. I really don't care THAT much, because the ratings for Fox News, and most other conservative networks are far and away higher than any liberal trash. Bill Mahr, Olbermann, and Brewer couldn't even hold a candle to Hannity or Beck, let alone conservative titans like O'Reilly or Limbaugh (not that I care much for Limbaugh, but he's pretty big).

Also, I'm sure people are probably getting tired of these types of blogs by now. Tough. I had to deal with stupid conspiracy bullshit trying to link Bush to 9/11 or how Bush went to war for the oil or revenge, and no one could ever give any sort of claim, or how the state of our economy is the way it is because of Bush, even though it was the congress who made it easy for the citizens to buy what they couldn't afford thus causing a foreclosure domino effect, or even when it comes to the war saying that cost money, but the democrat run congress has had three years to end it by simply not funding the war anymore. If I had to deal with all that bullshit for the last 8 years, then you bet you're all going to have to deal with me for the next 4.

On a side note, Chris Brown is the biggest asshole in the world. He went on Larry King and when asked what happened, he refused to answer saying it was out of respect for him and Rihanna. Blatant copout? I think so! He has a right to privacy, but he doesn't deserve an ounce of respect just yet. Talking from my own experience, any man who strikes a female, no matter how big a bitch she is, is not a real man. He also tried to imply that Oprah was a backstabber when she had a show dedicated to domestic abuse, influenced by Brown and Rihanna. He thought that because he performed for her charity events and at her schools in Africa, that she shouldn't have made that show. Well, Chris, you're a piece of shit and you DON'T deserve respect, and should this type of thing happen to you in the future, it would not at all surprise me, because you're general attitude towards the situation doesn't at all seem sincere, but more like you're trying to protect your reputation (and maybe hope that Jay-Z doesn't kill you after all).

That's all.
3 Felt it| Are you feeling this?

Obama is out of his mind... [04 Aug 2009|10:37pm]
So the the Cash for Clunkers program the government set up that gives each person $4500 for their old cars to put towards a new car ran out of money. This is a program that was supposed to last until November of this year, and it's already bankrupt. Now the government wants to add an extra $2billion? How the hell does Obama expect to create this socialist universal health care if he can't even keep a simple program like trading in cars running without printing more money we don't have? o_O

No wonder our economy is dropping at an even faster rate........ The fact that I'm even still working surprises me.
Are you feeling this?

Long time no see. [09 Jul 2009|08:34pm]




So I was on Youtube checking out random clips of the memorial, and I happened upon this video. Now, I know there are alot of people who don't like Bill O'Reilly. My guess is because my theory on how no one can handle the truth is pretty true, and this video is dead on accurate when it comes to the truth.

See, he's right. Whether you like MJ or not. Whether you think he was a pedo or if people were out to get him, that is your right, and for those who cry and get mad at those of us who think MJ was a nutbag pedo and a sack of shit human being, well, you can suck it because you too are a piece of shit. Freedom of speech is there for me to be able to express myself and my views.

He's also right about the race card being played everytime someone dislikes a black man. It happens all the time when someone doesn't like Al Sharpton or Jesse Jackson. It happens whenever someone expresses dislikment towards Obama, and now we get it because we make fun of MJ or point out that we're placing a probable pedophile on a pedestal? No. Fuck that and fuck you if you're one of these scumbags who try the race card. All the race card tells me is that you're just some uneducated dumbshit who can't argue a debate or make points in a conversation because your "opponent" is making his points smarter and harder than you can handle. I'm white. There are alot of people I don't like. Yes. Most of those are "minorities" because "minorities" are the ones who keep putting what I feel is blatant stupidity out in the public eye, or their ethnicity as a general whole (keyword: general) acts like a bunch of fools. I'm an equal opportunity hater (haha). I'm going to hate who I want, when I want, and for the reasons I want, and you will never, EVER hear me try and play the race card for any reason because I can, will, and often times DO make my points pretty strong. I may not always be completely accurate, but I still know how to make my points pretty fierce based on what IS right about what I'm saying. Anytime that I DO bring up race, it has nothing to with some sort of cop-out.

And for the record, whites aren't even the racists in America anymore. It's the blacks and the mexicans who are constantly trying to better themselves, often times without deserving it, by blaming the whites for them being worthless.

So go to hell. MJ is a joke. Was in life. Still is in death. And that can't even be considered racist because MJ himself did not appear to want to be black himself. He turned himself white. Married white women. Chose his sperm doners to impregnant Debbie Rowe from white guys. Adopted a white child. Nothing about that screams pro-black, but instead says more along the lines of "ew.... blacks."
8 Felt it| Are you feeling this?

It's a sin to sleep [14 Dec 2008|09:55pm]
So normally I really don't talk about Candice anymore because it generally tends to be more of the same. I either love her, or we're going through some huge fight, but this entry has to be made just because this stupid fight we got into the other night amuses me greatly. The other night she IMed me on Yahoo, and the only thing she said was hi. So I said hi, just so I wasn't being rude, and she asked how I was. I gave a simple "fine," and left it at that for a minute or two, and then I asked her about her font, because it was in a size 32 font, and it was colored dark pink to light pink. I was curious, in other words. That whole little conversation lasted all of about two minutes before it just kinda died (it was a limited topic anyways), and since I wasn't too interested in conversating with her, I wasn't going to put too much effort into making another convo. In fact, I didn't talk to her at all after that because I wanted to see if she was actually going to start a conversation. I ended up falling asleep when she didn't. Well, I guess she called me somewhen just after I fell asleep, and I was kinda lucid so I wasn't really thinking too much of the phone. Well, she IMed me a couple of nights later and told me that I was a jackass and when I asked why, she explained that she's tired of me ignoring her (lol?). When I tried to explain what happened, she didn't want anything to do with it because she thought I was lying.

I just wanted to write about this because this time it's funny. I mean, all these fights are kinda frustrating because I want things to be the way they were, and don't get me wrong, they're slowly finally starting to get there (and she's making an effort to try too), but I laughed a little at this one. Of all the crazy shit I've heard come from a females mouth, this one was definetly different. I've never been called rude before for falling asleep.


Oh. And Order of Ecclesia sucks. Fucking boring piece of shit game, and for the most part, easy.
Are you feeling this?

[30 Oct 2008|09:35pm]
So.... life is a tad on the confusing side for me, or rather, certain elements have come back to my life that leave me in kind of a confused way. Basically, Candice is talking to me again, and I don't mean like last time I thought she was talking to me again and she ended up being a bitch. I mean, she calls me and texts me alot (for the last two weeks). That's where I'm lost, because while a part of me is happy she's talking to me again, there's another part of me that doesn't completely have interest in any part of her life. I mean, I still love her, I think. I don't think that will ever change. It's just that I spend the last 5 months doing alot of soul searching after that whole incident. I spent 2 of those months drinking just to run away from it (having a breakdown or two in the process), but the whole time I did alot of thinking, and on my own, I managed to find some sort of happiness without having to rely on anything or anyone. I guess I fear she may ruin that.

I think my other problem is in the whole incident itself. I mean, she kissed me. I was in love with her and she kissed me, and about a month later she told me she only did it because she was missing her loser of an ex, also what's commonly referred to as "using someone." So she ended up doing that, and then after she found out I knew about her ex and her sister in law, she got so pissed that she told me she hated me and wouldn't ever talk to me again. I mean, we ended up talking for a little bit a month later, but she ended up being a super bitch (she's pregnant btw), so I stopped trying to maintain contact. I was talking to my dad about the situation, and I told him that sooner or later she is going to come around and realize what it is that she lost, and by then, it may just be too late, and he agreed. Apparently, it's pretty close to being too late, or maybe it is. I mean, she calls me alot, but I either don't pick up, or I do pick up and come up with some bullshit excuse as to why I can't talk at that moment and that I'll call her back shortly, which I haven't usually been doing. I either call back like.... 4 or 5 hours after I tell her I'm going to, or I just flat out don't call back at all and leave her a text the next morning with yet another BS reason as to why I didn't call back.

Like I said. I'm confused. I don't know what I want to do with her. I'm not sure I want to keep her around, but tI'm not sure I want to get rid of her either. At the moment, my heart is conflicting with my mind. My desire against my smarts.
Are you feeling this?

Missing: One Mojo [08 Jul 2008|10:16pm]
I think I've lost my mojo, lol....

Seriously, Candice is knocked up and we're really not talking because "she doesn't trust me and isn't comfortable talking to me much (which is bullshit because she's the one who fucking played me)," and then today, I find out that this other girl I was pretty into (and probably could have hooked up with if I wasn't so into Candice), is ALSO knocked up. WHY!? Of all the ways to kill things/make things harder, why does it have to be pregnancy?

..Man.. I really need a drink.
1 Felt it| Are you feeling this?

[06 Jul 2008|11:31pm]
So the 4th was pretty good... I guess. What little I remember apparently. About the only thing I do remember, is watching Mike launch off explosives, spilling a cup of Jager (which was Takai's fault but he's 3 years old, so we won't beat him up), and chasing Mayce around. Apparently after that, though, I spilled my alcohol on Aesh, and got all emo over Candice, and fell down alot. None of which I remember. But it seems I had fun up until the unhappy emo moment.

The day after, though, I woke up with somewhat of a hang over, so I went home to sleep while I charged my phone. I went back later, though, and no one was there. It was just me and Carol drinking, or trying to except Candice kept calling Carol because she has no one else to talk to. Carol finally told her that she had company (me) but asked if she wanted to talk to me, and Candice of course said no. I'm confused. We got into a fight a week and a half ago over her lying to me about who her baby's dad is (if she didn't want me to know, she should have said that because I'd be less upset), and she said she could either lie to me or not talk to me. So I told her to not talk to me and she hung up. She calls me up two nights later, but I'm so irritated because of work and my dad and brother that I tell her I'll call her back (I was on the phone anyways). At the time, I had no intent on calling her back, but I sent a text that sunday. It was ignored. Next two days I tried calling her, and texting, and all times there was no answer or response. Tried again thursday (someone twisted my arm to do so), and again, no response. So I said fuck it. Well, she finally texted me last night about half an hour after she told Aunt Carol she didn't want to talk to me, and I ignored her because her entire attitude put me into a foul mood. Her mom texts me about 5 minutes later asking why I'm ignoring her daughter. I didn't respond, and at that point because of that text, I became pretty damn irritated. I'm getting pretty fucking tired of everyone coming to me, asking if I've talked to her, why I'm not talking to her, or whatever else they have regarding the situation. Don't ask me why the situation is the way it is. It is NOT my fault. I tried to make things better, even if it would have been a slow. They need to ask her why it is that a pregnant girl with no father in the picture and has no friends anymore is pushing away the one guy who didn't let a pregnancy that wasn't his scare him off. Why it is that she's trying to permanently kill any chance to fix things with the only person in her life who even still gives a shit. Not me.

It's like I told everyone though. Whatever happens with me and Candice, good or bad, I'll still always love her. Partly because I'll always be connected to her through Nick and I can't get away long enough to get over her because of that, and partly because my feelings for her are that strong (though my proposal to her won't be an option for a long while after we do make up). Until things are fixed though, I'm going to do my own thing. I'm hitting on women (sorta kinda Mayce) now (some that I shouldn't be like Krista) and have interest in other girls even if I don't hit on them (like Melody), so hopefully when she gets her head out of her ass, it won't be too late.
Are you feeling this?

[21 Jun 2008|01:09pm]
So... I'm pretty sure most of my morals have gone out the window. I've been doing... things... to entertain myself ever since everything went down the last time in Vegas. And the real kicker is, is that due to the alcohol and the realization that the sick and twisted things I do for entertainment have taken my mind off all my pain, I don't care where my morals have gone to anymore. I'm not happy like I was, but I've become content.
Are you feeling this?

[15 Jun 2008|07:30pm]
Women are god damn bitches. I really don't think I say that enough. I think I've only met (IRL) two in real life who I could never say was a bitch (Mickey and the girl that I told Nick to go sleep with the other night that we've known forever), but generally speaking, I don't have much faith in the female species (and yes this is another entry venting about the same girl I was, this will probably be the last one for a long while). As previously mentioned, me and Candice no longer speak. She made her choice and said some words that day that she can't take back, even when I was trying to fight to save our friendship. She didn't want any part of making up. To her, I'm the bad guy. The scape goat. The guy she uses as a punching bag. I maintained some hope up until a week ago that we could make up and I could at least pretend everything was ok until everything WAS ok, but that hope mostly died a week ago, and the final nail was put into that coffin last night when I found out she was pregnant, and it's NOT by the guy she said she's going to marry. Candice called me up at 2am friday (2 hours before I had to get up for work), KEPT calling. I sent her a text message a few hours later when I knew she'd be awake to tell her to fuck off and delete my number. She called me today and sent me some text messages saying she wanted to talk to me, or needed to, or whatever. I told her flat out again (because this time I know about her being knocked up) that there was nothing to say anymore.... That everything we had to say to each other was apparently said a month ago. That I still love her to death, but I literally hate her more. Told her thanks for making me strong... For making me feel good about myself and making me feel confident, and then taking all that away and turning me into what I was, only with even less morals. Most of all, I told her thanks for reminding me what love is.. For allowing me to have that, but tearing my heart in two by giving me even more hate. I told her I hated her for getting past every mental and emotional wall I had to prevent me from getting that close to anyone again, only to make it so I can barely breath because my heart feels so heavy and my chest feels like something is sucking all the air out of it. And the whole time, she kept asking to talk.... Telling me she wanted to talk to me... Telling me she's sorry, and the whole time, acting as though I didn't care. If that ends up making me a bad person, that sucks, but I won't deal with it anymore. I should have listened to Nick and Korcas when they told me to stay away. My bad. She used to have this thing on her myspace that read "hating is easy, but love takes courage." I used to agree with it, because in the past, it was easier for me to hate. This time, it's not. I don't want to hate. I liked the way I was the last year and a half after mom died. I expected her death to do all sorts of bad things to me, but instead it put this strength inside me that I couldn't even tap into on my own. I could feel it there, but I couldn't figure out what it was or how to get it. It took falling for Candice to draw it out. And now, it's gone. Woopee.

Also, I've apparently gone from the angel that sits on Nick's shoulder to the devil. We were at Mandi's drinking friday night, and he called this girl we've known for the past 7 years or so over to hang out. I know this girl. I know who she is to Nick (even though I was the one talking to her most that night for some reason), and I asked Nick flat out what the hell he's doing with Lisa when Lisa makes him miserable and Ashton (other girl) makes him happy. We were drunk, and I looked at him, pointed at her, and told him she's hot, and she's a pretty down to earth girl who would do anything for him, and I know that he loves her (always has). My words kind of started out as advice, but somewhere along the line from me telling him how to be happy, to telling him to go sleep with her. And an hour later, they were gone. It's like I kept telling Johnny... My morals are all but gone anymore. I take care of the people who are close to me (family, and friends like family), but for everyone else, my moral compass is on a day to day basis. Depends on how much someone pisses me off. I know my mom would prolly be disappointed with me, and I think that sucks, but as of just over a month ago, I started dealing with certain things related to my mom's death. A year and a half later, I'm finally pissed at her for leaving.
Are you feeling this?

[26 May 2008|11:42pm]
So... I was close to happiness. I mean, I've been in a pretty decent mood for a while now, despite everything I've gone through in the last year and a half, but last friday night, I was there. I went to Vegas again, with the iPod I bought and was fucking around with the whole way down. When I got there, Candice stole my iPod and was listening to random crap I had on it, before I took it back and looked for one particular song. That song being Buckcherry's "Sorry." I gave the iPod back to her, and told her to listen to it, because that was my song to her. For those who haven't heard it, it's a guy telling a girl he's sorry that she's hurt, or that they always fight, and sometimes it's only his fault, but no matter what, he loves her, and it pains him to see her hurt, no matter who's fault it is. She dragged me to her uncle's garage and asked me why I gave that particular song to her. I walked over and leaned on the car next to her, and told her exactly why. She scooted closer to me, we looked eachother in the eyes for a couple seconds, and then I stopped thinking. I let my emotions take over, and I leaned in and kissed her. I was surprised that I even did it, too, but apparently she wasn't. Instantly she pressed into me and kissed back, and there we were for about 5 minutes before I stopped for a moment to actually think about what was going on. She took that opportunity to run out of the garage. I ended up going over to where her brother was at, and she sent me a text message asking me not to say anything because she doesn't want him to hate her anymore than he does. We ended up having a text convo right there in front of him before I asked if we could go somewhere else and talk. Back to the garage we went. No real talking happened. Everytime I tried, she ended up locking lips with me, and there we were for another 10 minutes before she walked away. I ended up going outside for some air when Nick came outside to see what I was doing. I told him what was up. I mean, I'm not going to lie to him. I told him I kissed his sister, same as when I first told him I was in love with her. I owe him that much out of respect alone but also because he's my best friend. We were talking about it for a little bit when Candice sent me a text message to come inside and come to bed. We went inside, but we went to the back to finish our conversation. That didn't get any further because she texted me again to come to bed. So I did. For a while we were just laying there looking at eachother. There wasn't really much we could do with her brother laying next to us, but we did get kind of frisky. More than that, though (and yes, I'm a weird guy for putting more value in this than most of the other stuff, but I've already done the whole sex is more important thing and wasn't as happy as I could have been), we kept reaching for eachother's hands (in between the groping. And that's why I was close to absolute happiness. I saw a chance, and I took it, and things came of it.

Why do I saw close? Well, shit happened the next day. She apologized for what happened the night before, and when I dragged her off to talk about it, she said she couldn't tell me how she felt because she didn't know. I spent the rest of that day allowing my mind to slowly drag me down the path of over-reacting, and after we worked that day, we went back to her uncle's house where I promptly downed about 10 decently sized glasses of jager in about an hour. Problem with that, is that I tend to be stupid when I'm drunk, especially when I'm drunk for the wrong reasons, and this night was for the wrong reason. I was talking with Lisa and her friend, when I overheard Candice harassing Nick about what was going on with her ex and Lisa. He kept saying she didn't need to know, and me being a drunken idiot, blurted out that he should tell her. That then set off a chain of events including everything from me telling Nick that I was there that weekend for Candice and not him to Candice fighting with me because I wasn't going to tell her what was going on, to me actually telling her after I realized her not knowing was causing her just as much pain as what I was trying to save her from by her finding out. And that was it. Apparently me telling her has caused her to declare war on Nick, Lisa, and myself. She called me up last monday and told me our friendship was over and that I was stupid because I didn't learn my lesson last year about not telling people what was going on, even if it means risking my best friend. No matter how much I'm there for her (which she points out that I am one of the people who's there for her most), I'm the bad guy. I'm always the bad guy, and this time, with as much pain as she's in, she seems to hate me and want nothing to do with me. Hence why I say I was close. Thanks to Lisa and Candice's ex, my chance is gone, the strength I've managed to draw from her is gone, and even my friendship with her is probably gone. Everything we've fought for to keep this friendship going, and to make it stronger seems gone. Everything I've put at risk to get as far as I did has all been for nothing. There's been things I've lost in the pursuit of love, and others, including my best friend, that I've come close to losing, and now I'm left with strained relationships and this feeling in my chest which feels like my chest has been ripped open. I almost hate her for this. Almost. I had so many mental and emotional barriers setup to prevent myself from feeling like this, and she managed to shoot through just about every single one, and now I feel worse than I did when things didn't work out with me and Mickey.

My dad asked me the other day if I was ok, and all I said was "I'm just here." Problem is, I don't want to be here anymore. I think in two years when my dad leaves Cali, I may go with him, or I may end up moving to Vegas with Nick. I haven't decided yet. The only thing I know is that I wish my mom and her dad were still around. I don't have anyone I can really talk to about any of this, and her dad would set her straight and at least she won't go run off to florida for the wrong reason.
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Anywhere but here [14 May 2008|10:47pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

So she made a choice. A big choice, and I wasn't it, and this choice is pretty hard to reverse. And now I'm the bad guy because I told her I don't know that I can be her friend anymore. Didn't say it was a guarantee, but that there was a pretty good chance that our friendship was over. I told her I didn't hate her, and she deserves to be happy, and part of me IS happy for her, but I'm not happy for me, and she can't expect me to be.

I think I lied though, about hating her. I mean, I really don't hate her really, but it frustrates me at the moment that I finally find a girl who opens me up and brings out every side of me, and who makes me feel vulnerable because I can't really set up any emotional defenses around her, and once again, just like Mickey, I get burned for it. Just like with Mickey, my voice just didn't want to work again. At least this time it won't last a week.

Either way I go, either stay her friend or not, I told her I'm not spending time with her this weekend. Nick wins this weekend. I get to be purely HIS friend and he can be happy with my misery.

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[06 May 2008|06:25pm]
Hahaha. Rejected! I knew it was too early, but I still had to ask. At least for a date. Didn't ask her to be with me or anything yet. She'll learn, though, and I'm not giving up so easy. Everyone around us see's that she has interest, and I've suspected for a while anyways.
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More random shit, brought to you by SLURM! [04 May 2008|09:45pm]
Yeah. I said it. Slurm.

So I saw Iron man last night with a buddy of mine and our brothers. It was everything I expected to be. Not better. Not worse. I've never been the greatest fan of Iron Man. I mean, what is there really to be interested in? Tony Stark is an alcoholic who flies around in an armor that he keeps reinventing and his morals fluctuate usually based on his own selfish desires claiming it's for the good of the many. Ok, granted I can KIND OF relate to that last part, but not enough to care for the character. The movie definetly kept true to who and what Stark is, though, even filling every role perfectly. Gweneth Paltrow made for a great Pepper Potts, and Robert Downey Jr was perfect for the role of Tony Stark (seeing as though he didn't have to research the role, due to his own alcoholism). I can't say this movie is my favorite of the superhero movies, but it's probably the only one I'd say stayed true to the comics and still managed to keep my interest for the whole 2 hours or so.

Apparently it's gay, though, if two guys go see a movie together. Literally, gay. Gay as in homosexual. That's according to Candice and her mom. She called me up at 8am and 10am and I got around to calling her back at 12, and one of the first things out of her mouth was how I was some colossal fag because I went to see a movie with a guy... at 10:45 in the evening. It didn't cause a fight, really (and thankfully), but because how far she was taking this joke, she managed to irritate me just enough that I ignored every other time she called during the day. It's partially because of this little event, I'm kind of not looking forward to Vegas this weekend. I know she's going to keep making these stupid jokes. It's not that I can't take a joke and laugh about it, but with this she's just going over the top. Her mom as well. I almost wish Candice knew about this journal so I could flip her the bird and to go fuck herself (in which case she'd prolly make a dirty comment, I would laugh, and throw an equally dirty comment back at her and life would be good, but not the point).

I'm also not looking forward to Vegas anymore because everything I've tried to plan so far has gone to hell. Being alone with Candice isn't going to happen (thanks to her mom). Getting to hang out with her much at all isn't really going to happen because her cousin and Nick's friend are going to be coming along, apparently. Candice and the cousin are kind of inseperable, and Nick's friend is some creepy Morman chick who I can only handle dealing with in small doses. I really don't even why she's going because apparently Mormans don't like alcohol, and she always complains when people are getting wasted while she's around, and that's pretty much the plan between me and Nick is to get wasted while we're there. Or at least it was, until Lisa decided that THEY'RE going to hang out with some of her friends while they're up there. Nick wants me to tag along, and I probably will, but I was kind of hoping for some guy time where estrogen isn't involved to nag us, say stupid things, or try to do stupid girly stuff. None of which I mind putting up with most the time, but it seems anymore there's always some girl getting in the way of "bro" time. I mean, women get their girls night out. Why is it they have a hard time letting guys have the same thing?
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Yeah yeah. Old is old. [01 May 2008|09:24pm]
So last night was really great. Well, actually the last 3 nights, but last night in particular. Candice was in town for a few nights (though I only got to see her last night), and I called her up to see what she was up to as I drove home. I wanted to see if we we're going to hang out or not. Apparently, she was in a bad mood. I called to say hi, and then tried to figure out what was wrong with her, and she kind of snapped at me, so we got into a mini fight. Didn't end badly, really, as we hung up on friendly terms, but I figured since she was in a bad mood, I probably wasn't going to see her (which would have sucked). Ten minutes later, she's calling me up asking if I was going to come see her. We ended up giving eachother a hard time for a few minutes (basically "fuck off, I'm not coming over," "that's ok. I don't want you over, but mom does," "yeah ok, I'll come see your mom," and "good thing you're only coming for mom because I'm going out) before I agreed to come over. She ended up calling me every 10 minutes asking when I was leaving, where I was, why I was being stupid and stalling, etc. I got there, we talked, we wrestled a bit, yadda yadda. We went to get food, and she brought up how this one girl we both know asked if she know I was in love with her. She wanted to know what it was that I tell this girl or whatever, because apparently everyone lately has been reminding her that I love her. Some people have even told her that she should sleep with me when she's horny until she figures out her love life. I told her brother that she wants me to bring her alcohol while we're in Vegas (since she's 18), and he made a comment about me getting her drunk and getting laid. Everyone seems to be trying now to push us together, and lately, the two of us have been getting even closer. I took her out last night, though, sort of. I basically dragged her to my truck and drove off not telling her where we were going. Wasn't anywhere really special. I was basically taking her to an empty parking lot so she could practice driving because she's always talking about how no one will teach her. She drove around the lot for about 45 minutes as she got used to the gas and steering, and then I let her drive on the street for a while, before she drove us back to her sister's house AND parked my truck (which is no easy feat for a newbie). We ended up talking for another half hour before I started to head off. She asked me to ditch work and hang out with her today, but I couldn't. We hugged goodbye.... Or rather we held onto eachother for about a minute before I pulled back and glanced at her, and the way she was looking at me was just... different. It was... nice. Almost the way I've been looking at her for a long time.

I talked to her today for a bit, and she flat out told me that of all her friends, that I was probably the ONLY one who was healthy for her, and that I'm the only one who doesn't drive her to drink because all her other friends (alot of which she's slept with) cause her so much stress and give her so much drama. I guess that despite all the fights me and her have been in, she still see's me as being good to her.

Maybe I'm just reading too much into it, but I'm thinking maybe, just maybe, there's a part of her that shares some of the same feelings I have for her, if only she weren't so fixated on the guy who doesn't love her. I've been doing alot of thinking lately, really. I think about her alot, and in one such instant today, while I was thinking about her, somehow my thought shifted to my sister's friend for a brief second and how she gathered up alot of strength and put her heart out on the line. I mean, yes. What she did I have also done, to further degrees, but I mean, if she can do that, why can't I? I didn't really have much fear when I told her I liked her, and then when I said I loved her. I definetly didn't have any fear when I told her I wanted to marry her, and very little fear when I told her the other day that since we're both single and horny all the time, we could at least do other things (though I was a little uncomfortable suggesting that), but everything I've done thus far has only been words. No real action except for a few flirtatious physical play. So I'm thinking maybe I'll try to ask her out while in Vegas. Maybe go to some restraunt that we'd both be out of place at, or whatever, and/or maybe attempt to kiss her finally. More than any of the other physical goodies that could come with a relationship with her, what I want most is to just kiss her. I know that sounds stupid, but with her, I'm kind of simple. So.. I dunno... Good luck me?
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*Random shit hour* [28 Apr 2008|12:56am]
* So it's occurred to me that the few times I do actually use my LJ, it's over something stupid and trivial. Usually me "whining" about something. I really call it whining, but no other word comes to mind at the moment. Apparently, though, I've gotten pretty bad. Bad enough to the point where even Mickey teases me regularly about how emo I've become based on alot of the stupid myspace survey's I take. It's not like I have too many channels to just vent to, though. Most of my friends are too wrapped up in their own continuous drama, and even when they weren't, my shit apparently isn't interesting enough. I'm sorry. I'm not going to keep bitching about shit that happened long ago. I could keep making my shit "interesting" as well if I kept bitching about all the stuff about my mom in the last 3 years, or Kathleen, or my grandma, or whatever. Most of my venting is about my job, or where I live, or Candice (which does tend to bore me too, but at the same time I need some place to vent about her). I dunno. It's just pretty sad when one of the people I vent to most is a guy online who I barely even get to talk to anymore because we're both busy in different countries. I mean, I was talking Mariela a little here and there over the past year, but we haven't really talked in a couple of months. Last thing she "said" to me was some stupid myspace comment, which was really only a picture advertising earth day or whatever, as if I really give a damn. I mean, I do, but I don't.

* Candice has been in a pretty good mood lately, despite that guy pissing her off. We talk every day and she really doesn't let me get off the phone with her until like.. midnight. It's cool and all, but the last time me and her were like this, we ended up getting into some stupid petty fight that blew way out of proportion and caused us to stop talking for a month (which mostly my doing for the last week of that, but whatever). I just got off the phone with her about 20 minutes ago, and she was no longer in a good mood because her mom wouldn't lend her cash for cigarettes (I like her mom, lol). I somewhat made a joke about how I should get off the phone with her before we got into one of our usual stupid fights that caused us to be less than friendly with eachother for minimum 2 weeks. Especially with Vegas coming up? A fight between us right now would fuck everything up, and quite frankly, if we got into a fight right now, I would probably NOT go to Vegas. I mean, at the moment, most of my time is going to be around her. We're working together, sharing a room together, and somewhere between working and getting wasted with her brother, I have plans to hang out with her. Safe to say, any hostile feelings towards eachother, no matter how stupid the reason is, would ruin alot for me.

On the plus side, she did tell me that I'm unique to her. She was talking about this brown stain on her pajama bottoms, and I made a joke that she shit her pants or something. She responded with a sarcastic comment about shitting in bed, and I shot back with "Really? You too, huh?" and apparently something about that triggered that comment (while laughing because of the way I said it), because lately, all we've been doing is laughing, and it's been stupid crap like that. I had to tease her a little bit, because just two weeks ago, I was pointing out how unnatural our relationship is because of how hateful we were to eachother, and she pretty much called me stupid for it, and now here she is telling me the same thing, and that I'm one of a kind to her. I dunno. I just hope she figures out soon what that guy is really doing. Hopefully before he's relocated to Texas in 6 or 7 months. I dunno if I can keep waiting like this. I already let one opportunity with another girl go because part of me feels like Candice actually realize that she could see me as more once she opens her eyes about everything around her. That's enough about her, though.

* New Harold and Kumar. Funny movie. Not great, like I was expecting, but it was enjoyable. Definetly NOT politically correct, what with just about EVERY racial joke in the book in the movie, as well as some pretty homo moments. The inclusion of Daneel Harris (*drool*) and Neil Patrick Harris doesn't hurt either. I recommend seeing it.
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